Pan
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Born from a bereavement journey after the death of both my parents, Pan is a trailblazing doll like no other.
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The story behind Pan
My emotions had darkened when my Mum passed away a few years ago and the death of my father had bludgeoned the last of my feelings into the floor. I was a ghost of my former self, drifting through life. I sought solice in the depths of my grief, like a garden of shadows, the darkness was where I lay dormant.
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"I so wanted to see my parents again, even just for a second, that I contemplated ending my own life; in the hope that I'd find something afterwards and see that my parents were ok".
Donna Gilliard, 2023
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However, I was able to pull myself from this grief with the help of creativity. I fell back onto a craft that I'd been perfecting for three decades - doll making.
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Pan was a project I'd started before my father died. Little did I know that by picking her up again and continuing her creation, my life would change forever.
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As I created Pan, often in darkness whilst the world slept, I poured my grief into each tiny stitch. Each stitch came with a memory of my parents. The flickering light of a candle cast shadows around me, I was surrounded by them, as if they were headstones in a grave yard, towering over me. I worked, stitching to keep the tears from forming.
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But as time went on and Pan started to bloom, I could feel my heart opening up again. The garden of shadows had sprung it's first bud. It's delicate pink, beating life into the inky darkness.
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The feeling in my soul was returning and Pan was becoming a symbol for that. The cage of her corset was bursting open, like the petals from that bud. She was becoming alive, her heart was beating and she was beginning to bloom.
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Pan is a tinker fairy. She searches the garden of shadows for treasures that she ties to her corset. Each treasure has it's own story to tell, if only it was able to live again. So Pan breathes new life into them, as she had done for me, she helps them live again. Polishing away the dirt, repairing the cracks and turning them into something new. Something beautiful, confident.. alive.
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My dad's picture inside Pan's locket, upon her heart.
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A trailblazing doll.
Back in 2021 I became aware that in the majority of countries worldwide, including the UK, Europe and Australia, ornamental dolls are required to either be thoroughly safety tested (and carry certificates to show their quality) or they must be permanantly fixed to a stand.
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I knew Pan would not fit into the toy category so I was left with a dilemma. How could I fix her to a stand yet keep the authentic look I was going for?
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I took time out of doll making to contemplate this. I'm proud of myself for doing this and putting my integrity and my clients before profit, unlike some doll makers that do not follow these legal obligations.
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With time, the solution came to me. I would incorporate the doll stand into the art itself. This is largely how Pan's wire corset came about. It represents a cage, the cage I was in whilst grieving and how it can be burst open. But importantly, it also acts as a doll stand, the innovative design is one that makes Pan a new generation of doll.
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"I'm proud to be a leader in this field, pushing the boundaries of what can be achieved in doll making"
Donna Gilliard, 2023
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"The most exquisite doll ever"
"A masterpiece"
"Beautiful in every way"
"The most amazing doll I have ever seen!"
"An example of how life inspires true art"
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The Journey continues..
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Concept sketch, September 2023